There is a church in the centre of the village where I live and whenever I go for a walk, I end up passing it by. Sometimes as I am walking past I catch myself looking to see if the door is open and the urge to go inside appears. Other times I can look, and the pull does not materialise. I often wonder why there are times when it has a strong pull on me as I have no connection to the church or a religion. Each time this happens I feel a wave of curiosity as to why I experience these feelings.
My initial exploration and reasoning of its pull was that as I am going through a time of contemplation and looking for answers, the solid comfort of a space of solitude, quietness, and peace appeals to me. But then it also made me reflect on moments in my life where was I exposed to religion and its practices in my childhood and the way that it has shaped certain behaviours and the things that I do today.
I attended a Church of England infant and junior school, so my early school life was dominated with assemblies filled with hymns and a weekly visit by the local vicar. I took part in Easter and Christmas celebrations (where I played the vitally important role of Angel with no name in The Nativity), Harvest Festivals and Christingles. When I reached senior school I joined a youth group that was run by the local Gospel Church. It took place every Friday and a wonderful group of people ran it, I enjoyed attending and many of my friends were also members. Whenever the evenings events inevitably turned back to a religious teaching moment, I listened respectfully but it didn’t prompt me into wanting to look deeper into the teachings or ask further questions. All of this permeated into me as it was a part of my environment growing up, but it never fully ignited the flame or persuaded me to join in whole-heartedly.
Looking back now, there are certain aspects and practices that stuck with me from these experiences. I believe that it strengthened my empathy, as people of all ages were opening up around me and I became attuned to others experiences, emotions and feelings. It also taught me to listen and learn from others. When you listen to people and hear their stories it teaches you new things and allows you to see things in a different light.
It also strengthened the importance of going somewhere quiet to reflect, and to light a candle to remember those who have passed. It is a practice that I have repeated over many years and even if I am away I still do it. When I was in New Zealand in 2015, two people who I knew passed away and when I got into the nearest town, I asked where the local church was, so I could light candles for them. I also placed calla lilies in the sea for them, which felt really emotional and poignant. I always think it’s important to think of people and do an act of remembrance, as it feels comforting and it strengthens the memory of them.
Each time I’ve experienced a form of a religious ceremony or experience, it deepens my respect for the people who believe. For me, these experiences make up the rich tapestry of life. Each thing we encounter that isn’t part of our normal experience widens our knowledge, empathy, and understanding of how others work and what they hold onto. The value of other’s voices and beliefs is immeasurable as it reminds us to be open, and curious and it brings us new perspectives to contemplate.
I believe there is something out there bigger than we are, but I’m not sure what form that it takes. I also believe that the feeling of spirituality is something I have taken away. I can appreciate its power and its meaning, connecting an inner and outer life.
I find now that I meditate, journal and take part in rituals more than I ever have before, as they bring me clarity and a sense of direction. I like to be out in nature and by the sea, the rhythms, energy and ever-changing scenery provide a restorative effect and allow me to clear my mind and refocus. These are the places and things that bring me peace and joy. The church door has its pull, but they are the altars that I return to when I need time to reflect and find the answers.
How do you feel about faith, spirituality or questions you have? Do you feel that certain things have influenced you? Do you have times of reflection?