The push and pull of wanting to be creative.

I have bounced along the creative path throughout my life but never landed on the one thing that makes my heart sing.

I have gone from wanting to learn the piano (of which I attended a sum total of two lessons) to wanting to learn how to sing, to learn how to dance and to present on television. For years I wanted to read the news on the BBC. I even recall many years ago uploading a very bad Blue Peter audition to YouTube, in it I attempted to stick sequins, glitter and gemstones to a photo frame.

As a child I was given the option to attend a Saturday drama school but I was at an age where I was too self conscious, aware of myself and others perception of me. So I attended one session and never returned. I also had an excruciating experience at a dance school in my mid teens. As I had no dance experience I was put at the back with the younger children, making twinkling star movements with my hands… the absolute horror of it made me vow never to return.

These two experiences stuck with me for a long time and it never allowed me to be fully creative. It added to my neuroses and I became too self aware, in fact hyper aware of myself.

I often wander if I had a guiding hand or confidence in myself, would I be a totally different person now? If I had stuck these two experiences out rather then walking away. But hindsight is 20/20 and they say you should never look back. The person who I am today was built on these experiences and my life grew and flourished in a different way.

And yet the want to be creative is strong within me but I flit around, never landing on that one thing long enough to really build a passion. When I actually do something creative, the glow of creativity stokes a fire within me and produces a happiness that sates me. I feel like I am on a high after I record my podcast, dance in the front room to music or watch a play or musical that speaks to my soul.

It often reminds me of these words from the Aretha Franklin song Hello Sunshine...

Hello (hello) sunshine

So glad to see you sunshine

Hello (hello) sunshine

It's been dark for a very long time…

The past couple of years have taught me to open myself up to more experiences and attempt to try new things.

But sometimes the want to be creative causes me anxiety and the What If? syndrome. I have recently been looking at a two week beginners acting course in London in the summer. I am so torn as to whether to do it or not, the indecision is just so crippling. As an introvert it sometimes astounds me how extrovert I want to be. Is it an expensive waste of money just to try something on a whim? Or as Eleanor Roosevelt once said…

We gain strength and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face… we must do that which we think we cannot.

There is a thin line between fear and excitement and both are bubbling inside of me regarding whether to commit to this course or not. There must be a part of me that wants to do it as why would I have sought it out in the first place?

Even with my Substack, the first piece of writing flew out of me and now I feel like I’m stuck in the tricky second album stage of my writing journey and I’ve only published one thing. I have spent more time on this piece than I thought was possible, rewriting it again and again on notes and on my laptop.

I admire those who can take their creativity and make a living out of it, but I am sure that their journey is not a bed of roses.

How do you feel about being creative? Does it make you feel more alive or does it make you feel pressure to create something? Does being creative make you happy?

Do I really believe that being creative in some way makes you a better person? I think I do.