Bathing in the sea of creativity

Feeding my soul with a two week acting course, jumping out of my comfort zone and being open to creative joy.

Jul 30, 2023

I recently completed a two week Acting Summer School course at the Guildhall School of Music and Drama. I went in with zero expectations and hardly any experience.

As an introvert by nature, I was throwing myself whole heartedly into something I had never done before (I’ve written about this previously if you want some background context). The fear and terror were real, the apprehension was real but there was also a little spark of creativity and joy burning softly in the background that was ready to grow and expand into a blazing ball of light. My journey into the creative world was about to go full steam ahead, I was about to go straight into the deep end.

I made notes and observations through out the two weeks and although they don’t fully convey the experience (I feel this will be felt and processed in the weeks to come) It felt important to share, these are raw thoughts and feelings. I feel this is the start of the transformation the course has sown. The true effects of the experience will bloom in the fullness of time.

The notes are chronological and show a shift from fear to a complete surrender to the process.

It was a truly open and authentic experience.

The Fear

The fear of the unknown

The fear of expectation

The fear of rejection

The fear of being too scared to join in and fully commit

The fear mixed with anxiety

The fear of not being good enough

The fear of not feeling safe

The walk

I went for a walk the day before I left to go on the course, it had been a rainy day but the rain had paused for a brief moment and I decided to go outside. Suddenly the wind picked up and pushed with all its might against my body seemingly trying to push away the fear. The sun appeared through the clouds and it seemed that the fear had dissipated for now.

The train

I always find when travelling on a train you end up sitting with a microcosm of people.

There was someone from Brazil chatting to someone from Columbia who in turn were chatting to a little boy who was wide eyed as they mentioned the Amazon and the Andes.

Passengers were traveling back home with what it seemed like a million suitcases, me being one of them wedged into my seat with a giant suitcase for company.

I was sat backwards (which I absolutely hate) trying to breath and manoeuvre myself so I didn’t feel so travel sick hmm… not the best way to start the adventure…

The night before

A smorgasbord of emotions throughout the day but feeling really calm the night before the course. It’s now pouring down with rain. Sleep soon, feeling good. Had time to sit and plan and breathe, ready for tomorrow.

The first day

Look up, inspire and listen

I feel like I am on a philosophical journey

Emotions pouring out of me in movement and scripted lessons

Being open and remembering it doesn’t have to be perfect, life is not perfect.

Collaborative and meaningful connections, looking beyond the text.

Trusting myself to be open and intuitive.

Be real

Don’t get stuck in your head

Embrace the people around you. You are more connected than you think.

The rollercoaster of emotions

Being vulnerable

Be brave

Stand proud

Finding the character

I was scared coming in as a newcomer to the acting profession but I have learnt in the last couple of days that there are no right answers and that everything is not perfect. Life and work are a constant work in progress.

Today I played a scene I did the day before and had to do a 180 turn with the character and their emotions and intentions. I was apprehensive at first but amazingly I felt completely different, my whole state of being changed. It was astonishing, I reached an emotional depth with my character which I never thought was possible. It felt like every molecule of me changed.

Emotional (written whilst in an emotional state)

Today was a really emotional day, we did our first piece to an audience which was outside of our group. A scripted project we had been working on all week, I felt a bit in my head during the performance as the previous one felt so connected and emotional.

After the performance I felt numb and like I was processing my emotions. They asked us how we felt afterwards and I said proud but I didn’t feel completely there like I was there, I felt like I was hovering above myself and over analysing it all.

A huge rush of emotion surfaced and I cried, one of my teachers gave me a hug and said how well I’d done.

The emotions of the whole experience so far finally opened up after performing, a ball of pent up hope, apprehension, expectation and nerves exploded . I’d waited so long to do this and the floodgates just opened. It was like an out of body experience.

I had waited so long to be creative and acting in a piece had resulted in my body not knowing how to compute, that moment I had waited for so long to do finally happened and my body and mind didn’t know how to react.

I left the school and walked around in a daze, I didn’t know what I wanted or what direction I wanted to go in. I was completely blank, someone asked if I was ok… I went on a couple of tubes riding around for a bit, trying to process what just happened.

It made me question everything and the rest of the evening I was in a heightened state of awareness and only after I’d eaten and watched some Derry Girls I began to feel normal again.

Making magic

I went to an event today at the BFI - it was a fascinating series of talks about Disney. Each talk was carefully crafted and included little clips and in the breaks they played some classic Disney songs. It was a lovely thing to do on a rainy Saturday and a total break from the week. I got out of my head and into the real world again.

Expansion

Widening the pond, turning it into an ocean full of sea life and matter.

Breathing and seeing and feeling

Bathing in the glow

Power, empowered, motivated and strong

Look outwards

Week Two

Wow I can’t quite believe that week two is upon us. Same people but new classes, need to get out of my head again. Feeling a mixture of apprehension and calmness.

New classes

Its really strange seeing yourself on screen, you become aware of every movement you make, learning a bit of script and being filmed…

I also learnt how to dance a little bit of the Tango and even had ago at singing. There is no way I would of done this a year ago, it astonishes me that I have the power to do this.

I’ve pressed the fuck it button a lot over the last few days ( a phrase brought up a lot during this time) held my head up high and opened myself up.

Sweaty tube an interlude

The Northern Line is a sweat box, wowzers.

People wearing sweaters… I don’t even know how they are wearing those.

Night

The penultimate night, wow I can’t quite believe it. All the emotions, I’m not sure how I will react tomorrow. The two weeks have absolutely sped by.

Power

There is a big voice in there, use it.

Breathe and remember you have that inner power.

My last monologue session

Take the space

Stand tall

Deep connections with the group

Open your heart and mind

Thoughts on the train home

Sat on the train with darkness cloaking me. On the way back to reality. Will be waking up in Kansas after being in the all colourful Oz.

Cheddars, a Kit Kat and Fruit Pastels for company. All the activities, people and emotions fizzing through my head. It’s going to take a moment to process all of this. My mind has been expanded and my body has been pushed. So grateful for the amazing people I have met.

Bloom and Grow by Emma

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