Looking into the mirror
A reflection of thoughts
When I was ten years old I won the poetry cup at school, it was given during an end of year school assembly which was the final one I attended along with my classmates before the big move to senior school. This was an event that I had forgotten about until recently. I don’t know what brought it back from the recesses of my mind, but possibly it may be to do with the amount of poetry1 I have recently been consuming or that after a lot of self-inquiry little pieces of me that I had long forgotten are coming back at a rate of knots. I sometimes feel that I ran away so hard from who I was that when these moments happen it catches me off guard.
It’s a strange process, rediscovering who you are, pushing back the boulder inside that was blocking your true self. The amount of effort can feel overwhelming sometimes, there are days when you feel like you’re floating on air and completely sure of who you are and then there are days when a little wobble or negative thoughts can knock you off your perch.
I can acutely feel those days now when things seem off kilter which I know is a sign of growth as before I would have ignored these signs to breaking point. I take a moment and listen to my body and work out how I can get myself out of the downward spiral. I also know if my blood glucose number is high that can make me slide into negative behaviours.
I now counter these things with actions that I know will lift me out of my funk or at least clear my mind of the fog, from going to the sea, taking a walk, doing some yoga, reading a book or deciding to just stop and watch a film with a cup tea. Little acts of self-care have become so important to me now as I have realised I was withholding these from myself for so long.
I feel I am now fully leaning into letting the path unfold in front of me in whatever direction it’s meant to. To be completely honest I have no bloody idea what is coming next but what I do know is that I am more sure in myself and I am working hard to protect my peace.
Writing has helped enormously, it provided a way of pouring out things inside of me through journals and posting on Substack. Sometimes I fear I am too open on here but then being open often leads to the greatest connection with someone else. We are more alike than we realise and I have certainly found this to be true. I don’t know why we have been programmed so much to believe that being open is a negative thing, as bottling up everything can have such a detrimental effect. There is a fear attached that if we become too open we make ourselves too vulnerable but often pealing back the onion can result in life-changing moments, conversations and interactions.
Bravery can lead us to do extraordinary things but crossing the threshold can be hard. It seems to get easier over time but it takes a small step at first to get the ball rolling and once it gathers speed the results can lead to wonderful things happening.
Looking in the mirror now I feel more assured of myself, I can sit for quite a while in what seems like a meditative state pondering on a thought or a feeling. It’s taken a long time to get here but the process has been worth it.
Curtesy of A Poem For Every Day Of The Year edited by Allie Esiri and Maya C. Popa’s weekly collection ( I highly recommend both ☺️)