Seasons of the soul
A tale about listening to your soul, quitting a job, and the ups, downs, and messy middle
Just over a year ago, I uttered the words, I want to quit my job.
The words came up to the surface during a session of acupuncture. I was lying in a darkened room with needles in me, thinking about the words my acupuncturist had said to me just before she left the room - “you are holding something in.”
As far as I was concerned, I didn’t know what she meant, I was so disconnected from my soul and intuition that I didn’t have any inkling of what was about to happen. All of a sudden, from deep inside me, a voice rose from the depths of my soul- I want to quit my job. Suddenly, tears poured from my eyes and relief flooded me. I left my appointment in a daze, eventually finding a bench to sit on as I tried to comprehend what just happened.
My year up to that point had been pretty soul-destroying, I had been working on myself, but I was still a shadow of my former self. I felt like I was aimlessly wandering through my life. I’d lost my power and I was burnt out and stressed. This moment of absolute clarity suddenly cleared the fog and I knew this was the answer. It felt like a rock had been lifted from my chest and I knew that I had to follow it through. The connection and alignment between my soul and mind finally set me free. Days later I spoke to my then manager, handed in my notice and two weeks later I was gone.
“Disconnect from everything long enough to see if it feeds your soul or if its a distraction. What’s deeply connected will always remain.”
Maryam Hasnaa
From that point on so much happened, amazing things that brought me back from the disconnected way I had been living my life to a fully present and open one. I encountered moments and experiences that I never imagined I would be involved in or capable of doing. I went on a two-week acting course, I started doing exercise, travelled to Australia and opened myself up to new opportunities. I found myself doing things that I never ever thought I would do, meeting incredible people along the way. Creative portals opened up to me and I found myself rediscovering my love of books, poetry and I began to draw again. I continued learning and honing my writing skills through pieces I read and posts I wrote.
However, the journey hasn’t always been straight forward. The months since I left have been a rollercoaster of emotions, feeling positive, calm, confident and then feeling all at sea. The hardest part to deal with has been the feeling of uncertainty and although I know I made the right decision, it’s been a bumpy ride getting comfortable with the uncomfortableness of uncertainty. It took me a while to accept it but I feel I have a much better relationship with it now than I did before.
My job search has also been the most challenging one I’ve done so far, the quest to find the right thing has been tough but I know the right thing will come along when it’s meant to. Sometimes dealing with other people’s questions and anxieties as to why I don’t have a job can be draining and I constantly feel the ebb and flow of confidence, motivation and questioning flowing through me. But thankfully over time I have built up the tools to recognise if I feel like I am sinking under these feelings. I remove myself out of the situation and really listen to my intuition and what my body needs.
I feel that quitting my job has been a reset, it’s taken a year to rebalance my body, soul and mind. It was what I needed to power back up again. I have no idea what the future might hold, but what I do know is that I’m no longer pushing for something I thought I wanted, which was a construct of an ideal created by society that doesn’t fit all.
My word for 2024 is travel, and I’ve come to realise that it doesn’t mean it has to be a constant march forward. A journey meanders, comes to a dead end, stops, starts and changes direction. There is no map of life, if there were, we would all be going in the same direction. The job will eventually come when it’s ready and whilst I am waiting I am trying to treat each experience with acceptance. It's been a difficult and sometimes frustrating process, but I've learned that I can't control what's happening around me. I can fill out applications and send them off, but I can't control what happens to them. I have to trust that I have done my best and release them into the world, and whatever the outcome may be, it happens for a reason. I feel like everything I have experienced so far is guiding me towards where I need to be.
“When you reach the end of what you should know, you will be at the beginning of what you should sense.”
Kahlil Gibran