Taking back my space

A profound moment made me realise I no longer wanted to stay hidden and in the shadows.

I was striding around, stance and legs wide, shoulders back and with my head held high. I felt powerful, I had taken my space and was walking around in a movement class with a confident purpose. It felt like a bright light of positive feminine energy was beaming out of me. Then it crashed to a halt, as suddenly the class was told to change the stride, to narrow our bodies, to slow down and walk on the inside of our feet. I felt myself physically shrink, my head and gaze lowered, it completely altered my mood, thoughts and the perception of myself. It was so powerful contracting into this small space after feeling so strong and tall that I cried.

The feeling of powerlessness and smallness overwhelmed me and it made me realise that I had in fact inhabited this character or version of myself for so long. I had just experienced the Laban Technique¹ for the first time whilst on my acting summer course and it made me feel so many emotions at the time that I couldn’t properly speak or write it down to articulate it. It was a profound moment and one that has stayed with me ever since.

Much like Mia Thermopolis in the Princess Diaries I had resigned myself to sitting in the shadows and feeling invisible.

But this was a defining moment for me, I no longer wanted to feel like the small and narrow person I had become. I wanted to take back my power, voice, space and be present and not just float aloofly along. The space and confidence in my own presence had gotten lost and I wanted it back. In the moment when I experienced this it completely changed my perception of myself. It felt like I had just been on a philosophical journey and it made me realise that the power had always been there but it was deeply buried within me.

Through out history women have been made small by others and the society they live in. There are countless times where you hear about women who have been lost through time who have contributed greatly to so many different fields, from art to science to politics and culture either by not getting the recognition that they deserve or by being completely overlooked or ignored. Often these women have played important roles but have been scrubbed from history. I googled ‘women lost in history’ and over 1,670,000,000 results came up.

This history combined with personal experience and exposure to negative reactions, behaviours and a instinct just to ‘survive’ has lead to so many women including myself losing who they are or simply dialling back their personality or presence.

It made me deeply reflect on who I was was and what I wanted. I started to listen to my intuition and it completely changed the direction I was going. It made me listen deeper to my body and it allowed me to reconnect to my body in a more meaningful and powerful way. It reawakened something deep within me and reminded me that I had a boldness and confidence that I had forgotten about.

Doing the Laban exercise made me realise that I can hold my own and that my voice, opinion and presence matters and that I no longer needed to give my self permission to roar and make a stand. I am now more present in my whole self and now carry myself with a different attitude and mindset.

I’m not denying that I still have days where I lack confidence but now I know I have that power within me to make myself feel empowered and that feels so freeing and strong.

I stepped out of the shadows and into the light.

Have you ever experienced an exercise, meditation, conversation or book or piece of art that has completely changed the way you feel about your self? Have you taken back your space?

1. A profound kinaesthetic and emotional tool to get inside different characters' energies and processes, so that the actor can truthfully feel, from the inside, how they tick.